Why Don't You Get Into Relationship, Again?

"I used to be a girl with low self-confidence and self-esteem, it makes me have a lot insecurities when it comes into relationship and betrayals in relationships make me become a skeptic girl."

Sudah beberapa tahun sejak terakhir aku berada dalam status in-a-relationship. Beberapa sahabat sering bertanya mengapa aku tidak mau memiliki status berpacaran lagi. Mereka selalu berkata bahwa bukannya tidak ada yang suka tapi aku yang tidak mau. Sepertinya permasalahannya ada di dalam diriku. Benarkah?

Mengapa aku tidak mau memulai hubungan baru lagi? Well...bukannya tidak mau dan tidak ingin memulai. Namun, ketika berada dalam sebuah hubungan, diri ini seakan berubah 180 derajat. Diri ini dihantui oleh perasaan insecure, tidak aman. I'm not worth him. Easily get jealous, possessive, I become that kind of girl. And...I hate that, badly. Fragile and powerless. Become that annoying and crazy girlfriend. I become a monster that even myself hate to be that kind of girl. I really want to avoid that side of myself to come out. But how? The problem is in me.

Saat tidak berada dalam sebuah hubungan and not falling in love, I can think using my logic, my rationality. I can stand for myself. I am stronger. But when it comes to be in-a-relationship condition, I use my emotion, my feeling. So...I'm easily get hurt. Cry at night, feel worthless, powerless, useless. I feel so childish and I hate that.

I know I can not ask people to respect me if I don't know how to respect myself. And the problem is I can respect myself when I'm not in a relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I will try and do everything I could to make him feel happy and not to make him angry. It would be nice if I can find that respectful guy, but the problem will appear if I find that bad guy to be with me. He only make me feel worse. I don't want that. Better to be by myself then.

But again...people who love and care about me always said to give my heart a chance. Yes...I want to give my heart a shot, I would love to. But the problem is I forget how to begin. I am a cold girl. I'm getting numb day by day. I do not know if there's a guy who likes and cares about me and want to be with me. I just shut the door, I do not let them to come into my heart, even I do not let them to knock the door. I assume they are all only want to be friends with me. I do not want to have high expectation again. But sometimes, I get that unexpected feeling in my heart. To like someone with whom I can not fall in love and I'm getting hurt, again and it getting worse. To love and adore someone in silence is just another way to getting hurt deeper than before. Now you can see how fool I am, I am a foolish. Fool about love.

I write this not for asking pity from you all. Do not feel sorry about me. I just want you to know what's in my mind when I think about getting into relationship. It is not that I don't want to, but I just forget how to begin. I just don't know how to deal with my crazy side, that jealousy, possessive and insecurities. I hate that part of me, really hate it. I don't my boyfriend hates me and because of that, leave me, again. I want that mature relationship. Respect, love and trust each other. I do not know, can I have that kind of relationship? I can only wondering.

From that girl,
Jakarta, September 1st 2014